Believe it or not, the arguing started while we were still on our honeymoon. That sweet, agreeable, Christian lady, who was always so kind and quiet disappeared and was replaced by a self-willed woman who was intent on getting her own way on everything, and willing to argue to no end if she could not. And one who was also ready to punish with cold shoulders, glares for days and silent treatment whenever she was unhappy.
Somehow before we were married the four boys who were living with me ended up moving out. I did not make them move, and would have sooner died than to give in to her selfish demands. But, somehow, each of them for various reasons ended up moving back in with their own families. You might think this would make her happy, since she was getting exactly what she claimed to want. However, I was still fully engaged in a youth ministry. I had close relationships with literally dozens of youth. Many of them depended on me as someone to turn to in time of trouble. On weekends I generally allowed as many as a 8 to 10 kids to stay over, and go to church with me on Sunday.
While this may seem like a big commitment for a newly married couple, or any couple for that matter, please keep in mind, this was the case for long before we met, years actually. This was who I was, and I knew and believed that it is who God called me to be. To be otherwise would be to deny Christ to me, and to deny my own faith. She knew this when she met me, and during the whole time we dated. When challenged on this point I never wavered, not even for a second. She proceeded to marry me with her eyes wide open and no misunderstanding whatsoever. I had every right to live according to my faith, as I believed God wanted me to, and not to marry anyone who did not respect that. She also had every right to marry someone who shared who desires and beliefs, and was free to walk away from me. What makes her wrong and me right are words like “truth”, “honesty”, “integrity”, etc. I was honest and never wavered. The only way for our relationship to progress, even to dating, much less marriage, was for her to be dishonest. She had to continually make promises and commitments that she had no intention of keeping. She had to continuing put on a pretenses of being someone she was not, and enjoying what she despises. And that my friends is evil. Pure evil.
So, even though she should have been delighted while on our honeymoon, since she would be coming home to a house that no kids currently lived in, she was not happy at all. She began to press for a commitment to stop allowing the kids to come over, and stop taking the van full of kids to church every Sunday. Suggesting someone else could take them, or they could go to local churches. Whenever I did not agree, she became angry. She continually accused me of loving he kids more than her, and demanding I prove otherwise. She would burst into angry shouting, and on several occasions leave the room in a huff. In Puerto Rico she even left the hotel late at night in anger and went walking into unfamiliar places in a strange city, forcing me to follow her pleading for her to return.
As if the arguing over the kids wasn’t bad enough, then there was the sex. I could not believe that I would be arguing over sex with my bride on our honeymoon, but there we were. Believe it or not, by the second day there was a problem, and by the 3rd day, it was a full blown argument, complete with tears, and anger and raised voices. Maybe there was something wrong with me, since I had never been married before, and she had. Maybe her being five years older than me allowed her to have been more experienced, and therefore expect more, but for some reason, I just couldn’t make her happy. And that made her angry.
It wasn’t that the sex itself was unpleasant to her. It was just that she wanted me to anticipate, without any signals from her, when she wanted it, and not to be early or late, and if I was, she was angry. And, for some reason, I could never get that schedule mastered. And I never would, as you will read later. Now this was our honeymoon, and we did engage in relations every day. But that was not enough. I was 38 years old and she was 43 when we married, so we were not exactly in our prime, but far from over the hill. We each had been Christians for a number of years, and lived celibately during that time, though not before then. But when it came to our honeymoon, if we had relations in the morning, but not the evening, she woke up angry the next morning because I had not initiated something (though she never initiated anything herself). If we engaged in the morning and the evening, she was angry because I did not start anything in the afternoon. Seriously, I kid you not, th at really happened. And when I say angry, I am probably understating. She would switch between bursting into tears and shouting in anger… crying “I thought my husband would find me more desirable” etc.
To be honest, I really did not understand, and was in total shock. I had never had complaints before (prior to my Christianity, and this was unbelievable to me). It seemed as if I had married a sex-starved nymphomaniac who was emotionally off the rail. It would be years before I even understood what it was she wanted back then, and I would never be able to actually fulfil her fantasy land desires (and I don’t believe anyone else on earth could either)
Not long after our honeymoon we had our first Valentine dinner together. I prepared a gourmet quality meal of seafood and vegetables at home just for the two of us. It was an amazing production if I don’t say so myself. I bout a huge bouquet of flowers. In fact, for at least the first six months of our marriage I made sure that there were always fresh flowers for her. I always bought more before the previous ones began to wilt. I had intended for that to be a trademark of our marriage, something that I would continue forever. But to be honest, after about six months of her negative attitude, complaining and arguing and never going more than a couple of days without a terrible argument and threat of divorce, I finally said “what’s the use” and discontinued the practice.,
So there we were, having our first valentine day dinner together by candlelight. I had thought that I did everything I could to make it as romantic and memorable as possible. After dinner we went into the living room and sat on the sofa. I began to caress her and we laid down next to one another. As we were lying there together cuddling, I began to kiss her neck, and caress her back and such. Although I wanted to kiss her more passionately, she said she did not like to kiss on the lips and always refused. Instead I was kissing her neck, and enjoying our time together. When suddenly, to my utter amazement and shock, she burst into tears and jumped up from the sofa. She began to cry (angry tears), I thought my husband would want me! And I thought you would love me!! She was actually furious with me, and then began to add on every offence she could think of from the past two months. This was another habit that she never departed from. The habit of bringing every offence she culod ever remember into every disagreement we ever had.
I had no idea what caused her blow up or what she was upset about. I thought everything was going wonderfully. I was having an absolutely wonderful time. My heart was filled with love, and joy. There was not a single thought or even remembrance of all the arguments we had had. WE were there, cuddling, no doubt about to make love, when suddenly, this absolute explosion occurred. Years later, as I look back, and as I learned more and more about her, I understood what had happened. But that makes it no less unreasonable. You see, she had a fantasy land version of me that existed in her mind. In this version of me, she had it carefully planned what I would do and not do in every situation. Anytime I did not act as fantasy land me was supposed to, she was angry. In this case, she wanted all of our sex to be madly passionate, and wild, and led by me. She wanted me to attack her like a scene from Fatal Attraction, and when I did not she was angry. She wanted this, and reacted this way without ever communicating that this is what she wanted. And without ever attempting to understand that I might have desires of my own.
I suppose there is nothing wrong with her desires in themselves, but there is a lot wrong with the way she expressed them, or didn’t. And there is far more wrong with the way she attempted to impose her will on me, down to this very level. Perhaps we were just incompatible from the start, but that is simply not the way I prefer these relations. I prefer slow, romantic time together. Quiet gentle talk, and gentle, loving caress. I like to whisper loving words, and not be in a particular hurry. I near violent, passionate roll in the floor, with ripping clothes, and screaming and breaking things is simply not my preference. If that makes me abnormal or strange, then strange I am. But I am also able to communicate these desires and feelings. In her case, she was not willing to communicate anything, and was angry, and I mean very angry, if I didn’t already know what she wanted and do it.
As the first few years of our marriage rolled by, the very idea of sex became less and less pleasant. Honestly, as a healthy man, I never thought I would say such a thing, but it is the truth. She was simply angry all the time. Never satisfied, yet never willing to be part of the solution.
During the first couple of years, we had relations at least weekly. Yet, no matter what, she thought it should have been more often, and she was angry. Although, there was never a single time in our 18 years when she asked to have sex, or in any way initiated the process. Yet she was angry when I didn’t. And when I did, she was angry that I hadn’t done it yesterday. We never discussed sex except when we were arguing about something else, and then, it would always come up as one of the list of charges against me. She was genuinely dissatisfied, and angry beyond anything I could understand. I would often suggest that if she was not satisfied with the frequency, she should do something to change that. I said she was welcome to initiate things herself, make a suggestion, start foreplay, etc. Each time I made the suggestions she would become even angrier and shout “I don’t do that!!!!” “I am a lady!!!”
That’s right, I promise. She was too much of a lady to ask for sex or in any way initiate such relations with her husband, but not too much of a lady to be angry to the point of loathing at her husband for not having done so yet, and not too much of a lady to bring it up as ammunition in every argument we had.
Finally, after about 14 years of this, I said I had had enough. During one of these shouting matches where she was insisting that I am not man enough, not masculine enough, not loving enough, etc. etc., I suggested again that she could initiate things any time she wanted and I would not deny her. She again shouted her self-righteous spiel about being a lady and not being the one to ever initiate things. And I finally replied, in 2017 I believe, that I had had enough, and if we ever had sex again, she would be the one to initiate it, so she could be sure that I would no longer be moved by her criticism. That was 2017, and she was true to her word, and so was I. For the last four years of our marriage she did not make a single suggestion of having sex, and so we did not. Although she continued to criticize me for it in every argument, no matter what the argument started over, and told me in shouting fury that she hated me for it. During all of these years, I can also promise you that there was never a day where it even entered my mind to find sex elsewhere or to be unfaithful in our marriage. And, to her credit, although she told me many times that I was causing her to think about other men, and to think about sexual fantasies, I am certain that she was never unchaste either.