Honestly, I believe that until we became engaged, Debra was the most flawless woman I had ever met. She seemed so classy, sophisticated and beautiful. She was independent and confident. But, above all, she was selfless, kind, generous and Godly. She spoke of her relationship with Jesus Christ in such vivid and passionate terms. It was clear that her relationship with God was the most important thing in her life.
There was nothing more important in a relationship to me. I had always said that unless a woman loved Jesus far more than me, I could never be interested in a relationship. I was also committed very deeply to Jesus. In fact, I had committed my entire life not only to believing in Christ, but to His service. I was committed to become a full time minister, in whatever capacity God should call, regardless of the cost. This was something that I had made very clear to Debra from the first day we met. Not as a condition of dating, but simply in getting to know one another and answering questions about our past.
I was not looking for a wife, or any type of relationship when I met Debra. In fact, I had committed to almost the opposite. I had committed to myself and God that I would not even date again in my life unless I was sure that God wanted me to marry and the woman might be a compatible mate. I had no interest in relationships based on self-fulfillment., emotion or carnal pleasure.
About a year and a half before meeting Debra I had broken up with another woman after a two year relationship. Her name was Jamie. In the two years we dated we never had a fight. Not even a single one. We loved, admired and respected each other and everyone knew that we were destined to marry. She was the administrative assistant for the Pastor of our church. She loved Jesus with all her heart and we had so much in common that it was truly remarkable.
During our relationship we had spoken of family and future a number of times. One thing that I had often shared with her is my strong desire for children. Also that I had always known, since I was young, that I would one day take in children in addition to my own. This was not only a desire, but something I had just always believed God had planned for me. I knew that I would one day take in at-risk and troubled kids. A huge part of my life was devoted to youth related ministry also. In fact, when I was with Jaimie, I think I was ministering three times a week at the local Juvenile Detention Center, and several more sessions weekly with a ministry serving youth on probation. In addition I had opened my home to a couple of young men in their twenties who had come from a troubled past but recently accepted Jesus. We had started a Saturday night bible study and worship meeting which would later group into he Inside Out ministry. This ministry was in fact Incorporated as a nonprofit in 1998 more than three years before I met Debra.
Life with Jamie was going well (and we were committed to Christian purity until marriage), until Kenny. Kenny was a 13 year old that I met through the ministry. After a few months he had shown a great deal of improvement in his behavior and attitude. As unlikely as it seems, his probation officer called me one day and asked me to take him in. She said that they had been trying to find a placement for him for some time and could not find a group home or foster home that would take him because of his record. Since no one in his family was suitable she said that unless I took him in he would be sent to a DYS youth prison, even though they thought that was inappropriate for him. I agreed immediately and couldn’t wait to tell Jaimie. And that was the beginning of the end for us.
She was shocked to learn I was taking in a 13 year old. After a few months, she explained that although she believed that God was in this, and saw the benefits, and would never want to do anything to stop this, she also did not feel ready to be a mother, especially not of a teen ager (she was only in her twenties herself). Even then, we never fought or argued. We both understood, shed a few tears and parted ways.
I share this story here only because I shared the very same story, with more detail, with Debra on the first day that we had dinner together. (as she was asking questions about my past, and past relationships). She knew clearly of my commitment to the youth I had taken in. She knew of my commitment to Jesus, and my unshakable belief that what I was doing with my life was God-ordained and irrevocable, regardless of the cost or consequence. I shared that I did not believe there was likely to be any woman who would want such a life with someone like me, but that there was no other life I could even consider.
By the time I met Debra Kenny had moved out, but I had taken in other youth, and there were 4 teen age boys living with me. These were troubled youth to be sure. They had come from families highly involved in drugs and crime, and had been involved in crime themselves. They were not foster kids, but rather the kids who fall through the system, who nobody helps. They lived with me at my own expense, and they had become family to me, and I to them. A couple of these boys called me dad, and they all depended on me as a father. I provided their support, clothes, food, instruction and correction and all that a parent should. We had dinner together daily and went to church twice a week. They had all come through our ministry and made a commitment to Jesus and were learning new ways. I loved them as much as if they were my own children and made this clear not only to Debra but to anyone who was there.
She knew who I was, and who I intended to be. And the way she stole my heart was by pretending to love these teens like I did. As soon as we started dating she began to come to our Saturday night meetings. She treated the kids great and constantly complimented me and expressed admiration for the way I cared for them. There were four teenagers living with me, but on the weekends it was not uncommon to have 15 kids stay the weekend. I had become a part of the lives of all of these youth, and they depended on me to be part of their lives. There was never any question that I was committed, even to the death, to do my best to fulfill this calling.
Debra continually praised this life and ministry. She spent time with us, and built up the kids like I did, never criticizing them, never breaking them down, always loving, always joyful. It was like a dream. She used to take some of the kids with her places and the would kid and play. I was convinced that she loved them as I did. She knew that I would never want to be in a relationship with anyone who did not feel that way. She also knew that I would never try to force anyone or trick anyone into a relationship — in fact, I had said that I did not believe there would be any woman likely to want to live with all these teens, and such a Christ centered, missionary style life – but that I could never live any other way. She knew all this, and pursued me, and laid her trap of deceit for me.
When I was fully convinced that she was that dream come true, that mother for my children and help mate in the ministry, and companion for me, only then did I dare to ask her to marry me and offer her my ring. In fact, Of all the things that I can be confident of, I am confident that my motives were pure in our engagement and wedding. There was not a fact I hid, not a truth I did not reveal, and every motive in my heart was pure and holy before God.
As I look at the absolute horror story that life with her has become, and the disastrous and evil way she is currently trying to destroy all that I have ever worked for, I look back on that engagement. I know that my motive was pure, and absolutely selfless. There was nothing selfish, nothing evil and nothing dishonest in my proposal. I wanted a mother for my children more than anything else. I believed that they needed a Godly mother even more than they needed me. I made no secret of this, or of the fact that I would never want to be joined to a woman who did not want to be their mother. I also wanted a help mate or partner in the ministry that God has called me to, and again, this was no secret. And finally, and lastly, I did want a life companion – someone to share the experience of life with all its joys and sorrows, who would always be there as the rest of the world comes and goes.
It is not Debra’s desires themselves that were so evil. But she became evil beyond measure in that she tried to deliberately conceal those desires until after we married, and then tried to force them upon me, while attempting to snuff out the very existence of who I was. This was truly evil, and there is no doubt she was intentional about it. She said and did everything necessary to hide her true nature of selfishness, complaining, demanding, grudges, vengeance, hatred and vanity. While putting on a complete pretenses. In every conversation about our future, I left nothing to chance and no stone unturned. I was very clear about the life I intended to live, and that I would live no other. In every single point she agreed with me, and pretended to be the person she was not. At any time she could have said, this is not for me — she could have said this is my true nature – she could have said this and that,, — but she did and said whatever it took to deceive me. In this she was as evil and deceitful as satan himself.
Until we were engaged there was never even a single hint of selfishness, argumentativeness, hate, or anything less than angelic love. It was only after we became engaged that her true nature began to show. There were only a few times when she let her selfish nature out, beginning attempts to force her way – and I should have RUN. But I was a fool. Each time, she quickly retreated back into the deception, and agreed with me on whatever the issue was, and like a fool, I believed her, and proceeded to marry. In fact, I would say looking back that we each made one grave mistake in leading to this tragic marriage. I made the mistake of believing her, and she made the mistake of not believing me. I truly believed her when she said she loved these kids, and would love this life with me of taking in and loving these at-risk and difficult youth, who though troubled had such promise and hope. I believed she would be my help mate, and live as a selfless missionary in this world with me. And she made the mistake of not believing me when I said clearly that I would not be swayed, and I would not yield from my calling.
The first disagreement, and sign of her selfishness and self will came a couple of months after we were engaged. A friend of mine had offered me a week long stay at a condo he owned in the Smoky Mountains. I could not go myself, but Debra offered to take my mother. Debra had accompany car provided by her employer at the time and they paid for all of her fuel and upkeep – including her personal miles. She literally paid for nothing. She drove this car anywhere she wanted to go, whether it was her regular visits to her parents in Pittsburgh or her trip Massachusetts to get a wedding dress. She never at any time had displayed any limits on this. However, the week before they were to leave, she said she couldn’t take her company car and would have to take my Lincoln. This was the only car I had for business, but she wanted to drive it because it was mine, and she wanted the status I suppose. I tried to explain that I needed the car myself for business, and that she had no reason not to take her company car. Yet she insisted that she must watch the miles she drove on it. She said that if we were married she would follow my advice, but she was still a single woman and had to look out for herself. The whole ordeal just seemed so selfish to me, and she was quite inflexible and uncaring about he way it was communicated. She said if I did not let her take my car she would cancel the trip at the last minute, disappointing my mother. Of course I gave in and let her take my car, but the whole thing was quite shocking to me because it was such a different side to her character – a very selfish, inflexible and uncaring side. As I look back on it I wish more than anything that I had ended the engagement right there. Not because the even itself was so great, but because the contrast in her character here was so sharp that it should have been clear that everything heretofore was an act. But, I was a fool.
After the Smokey Mountain trip she came back a little more emboldened I suppose. My second revelation of her true nature was even more clear, and again, I should have RUN. It was time for the kids to go back to school and I had promised a group of youth that I would help them get school clothes, as I had the previous year. It was going to cost about $2,500 to fulfill my promise, but this particular year my business was struggling. In fact, in 2001, my adjusted gross income was only $11,000, though most people thought I was rich. I had spent so much time tending to the needs of others and of the ministry that I was not truly focused on my business as I had been. Nevertheless, I trusted God that He would provide (and He did after I was tested, and in a wonderful and supernatural way). Since it seemed I would not be able to pay for the expense myself we tried raising the funds through our church. There were hundreds of people there and they all knew who I was. This was also a fairly wealthy church, and I was sure that if I sent out 100 letters, if people just averaged $20 each, which was nothing to most of them, it would be $2,000 of what we needed.
I was terribly disappointed when only 1 person gave $100. At the time my roof was leaking and I could not afford to replace it. There were a number of other repairs needed at my home, and I had no idea how I was even going to pay for the wedding, though I was proceeding as though I did. There was a particular day that Debra was at my house, and it happened to be raining and so there were buckets catching the water in the living room. She asked me “how will you tell the kids that you will not be able to buy the school clothes?”
My reply was immediate and without wavering. I said “I have no intention of telling them any such thing. I intend to do exactly what we promised”. She then began to argue against this, saying “William, you cannot even afford to replace your leaky roof and your business is failing, you cannot afford to buy school clothes for all these youth.” Again I replied without hesitation, “Debra, I believe that my God will provide the money to buy the school clothes that we have promised. But make no mistake, if He does not, will buy these school clothes even if this roof falls in on top of my head! I will do that because I said I would, and that is the right thing to do!”
This would prove to be one of the foundational moments for our marriage, and a clear and definite proof that there was no doubt or confusion about what we agreed to, and what we did not.
She looked me in the eye and said in a firm voice “William, I don’t think I can marry you. Because I am afraid that if I marry you, you may not be able to take care of me. And if I marry you, I am afraid that you will not put me first!”
Her objection was very clear here, it could not have been clearer, and so was her ultimatum. If I proceeded on this course, she would break our engagement. Further, she was demanding a commitment that she come FIRST.
I can honestly tell you now that I did not hesitate for even one second in my reply. I also did not have to think about my answer, for I knew unquestionably what it was and had to be. The following is word for word what I said to her then.
So, I said “Debra, you are right. If you marry me I will not put you first, because I do not put myself first. The only thing that I will promise you is that if you marry me, wherever I am, there will you be also. If I am poor and naked and live in a ditch, there you will be also. And If I am rich and comfortable living in a palace, there you will be also. Wherever I am, there you will be also. There have been missionaries throughout history who have suffered and sacrificed for the cause of Christ, people like Jim Elliot and so many more. I will not promise you a life without cost or sacrifice, but rather a life of both. If you do not want that, then please, do not marry me, I am not the one for you”
I will never forget that moment. It was not a moment of anger or retaliation (at least not for me), but of simple truth and clarity. She was demanding to be first, but I have never placed myself first. If we were to be one, we could only be compatible if this was shared, to do otherwise would be to deny who I am, and by extension to deny Christ. I was not trying to force my way, or win an argument. I was trying to be fair and honorable She should have the right, as Jaimie did, to choose for herself the kind of man she would marry, and the life she would commit to. Jaimie chose not to live a life with a man like me, yet she was a thousand times more honorable than Debra, because she was honest about it and walked away. Whereas Debra was deceitful and stayed, agreeing but never intending to agree, but rather intending to force her way once we were married. And oh, what a miserable life that led to for both of us.
Once she heard these words she backed down immediately. She went straight back to her deceit, saying “Oh William, that is so beautiful, of course I want to marry you. Of course I want to live for Jesus, even if it costs”. Like a fool I believed this was sincere agreement, rather than calculated retreat until another charge. Oh what a fool I was. Oh how I wish I would have RUN right then. But we proceeded.
Of course there were some other red flag moments during the engagement, but these are the most memorable, and ones that I should have surely recognized and been moved by. Another warning and chance from God to get of this terrible ride, came about a month before we married.
One evening after dinner, when things seemed to be going well, she began a conversation. She said “William, you know in the bible it says that when men were married they would take a whole year off of work to allow them to bond with their wives” Although I am aware of something like that in the old testament, I think it had more to do with military service, and being able to procreate before getting killed then with “bonding”. Nevertheless she continued saying “I think that for the first year we are married, we should not have any kids in our lives, but it should be just you and I. Then after a year we can begin ministering to youth again.”
To be very honest with you, I was both shocked and appalled. I could not believe that she was even serious, yet she was. She actually wanted me to take these teen age boys, these living breathing human beings who had come to love and depend on me as their father, and throw them out on the streets as if they were nothing. She had no thought of what might become of them, or what harm it might cause. She did not even consider how it might affect me, or if it would affect me. I will never forget that moment, because in it I saw the depth of her selfishness, cruelty and hypocrisy. And to be sure, it was hypocrisy to its core. She had no intention of taking a year off from her job as a multi-state marketing representative who had to travel frequently. She had no intention of me quitting my real estate career that provided so generously for so many. She only twisted this passage from God’s holy Word for her selfish and evil intent – without regard for the needs, wellbeing or eternal consequence to others.
When I objected to her suggestion she continued to argue. She said that it was not fair to her to have to live with these particular boys because they knew me first, and therefor they loved me more than they loved her. She said we should get rid of them and start again with new kids a couple of years later so they would love her as much since we could start equal. She said these things as though these boys were a hobby, or a project, and not real humans with feelings and souls. There was never a possibility that I could have agreed to such nonsense. When I refused, it went so far that she gave back the engagement ring, threatening to call off the wedding.
I accepted the ring and went back home for the night to pray. After prayer, I was more sure than ever that God wanted me to never back down to such wickedness. The next day she backed down, and went back to saying she loved the kids and would be a mother to them. Like a fool, I believed her.
I was shocked and angry at what she had attempted to do. I could not believe that anyone could be that evil and that selfish. I also thought that if it were possible that she could do such a thing, she could not be the wife for me. It is not in my constitution to even be able to do such a thing — to betray what had become my own kids, to betray my commitment to God to care for them – to switch off caring for them, and throw them away like yesterday’s trash—I could never do such a thing. But any woman who could, not only would, but if she even could, she could not be compatible with me. I knew this. I thought about it. And I knew then and there, that I should not proceed to marry her. This is why I could never blame God for this disastrous marriage, because He did allow me to see the truth – but then like a fool I ignored it.
You see, by then I had become attached to her. I did love Debra, and I did have hopes of a life of joy and love and harmony together with her and our children. I so wanted her to be true. I had already given her the ring and made the promise to marry her. We had already planned the wedding and the honeymoon. It would be so hard to break it off now. You can be certain that I would have broken it off before I ever agreed to throw away even one kid – yet when she promised to love them, and apologized for this momentary lapse, I believed her, and proceeded. I allowed myself to believe that this was just a momentary lapse of her true benevolent character rather than a momentary revelation of her true selfish, hateful, cruel and deceitful nature. Like a fool, I chose to believe the former, when only a fool cold have. And so, we were married on January 4, 2003.