I met Debra on December 22, 2001. We had spoken on the phone previously, but this was our first in person meeting. I had a missionary friend named Premnath, who was staying for a month with my parents in Kettering. He was going to be speaking at her church the next day and she had come to my parents to meet with him.
It was certainly not love at first sight (at least from my perspective), but I did find her attractive. She was well dressed and well spoken. A professional lady who carried herself very well and seemed to truly love God. She invited Premnath to her house for dinner the next day, and extended the invitation to me also, which would be convenient since I could then drive him back to my parents’ home.
This was a very difficult time for my parents, as my father was dying from cancer. He passed away just under two months after this encounter. That particular Saturday I had come to visit with him and members from our church who had come to minister and sing with them.
Debra seemed to really bond with my parents, especially my mother. From that time on, she visited my mother often and seemed to be a tremendous comfort and help to her during this difficult time. She was always kind, always giving and selfless. I would see her nearly every time I visited after that. In fact, my dad was hospitalized a number of times during those months and she was often present when I visited him at the hospital later. I often said later that she seemed as if she were an angel from God there to help my parents. In fact, she seemed completely selfless during this time (a quality I greatly admire). Whenever there was a need during that time that she was able to help with she gladly volunteered, whether it were easy or hard. Whenever the family needed to discuss care or other difficult topics, she seemed to fade into the background, never butting in.
I suppose, more than anything else, it was this selfless serving, and generous giving that first attracted me to her. Of course I found her attractive, and I was impressed with her manners and speech. I thought she was what I called “a classy lady”. But there was nothing I found more appealing than the quiet kindness, sacrificial giving and genuine love for Jesus that she seemed to demonstrate each time I saw her.
I would not find out until after we were married what Paul Harvey would have probably called “the rest of the story”. Debra had first met my parents the day before, on December 21, 2001. She had been “fasting for a husband” for a number of days before then and this was the last day of her fast. The truth be known she had been searching and praying for a husband for 14 years, before then and that was only one of many fasts. She was in fact obsessed with finding a husband who met her “list” (Yes, she had a genuine list), of qualifications and requirements. On the evening of the 21st, when my mother was showing her photos, she saw my photo and immediately “heard from God”, “there’s your husband”. So, she decided, even before she met me that I was to be her husband. And having so decided, she did everything that was necessary to present whatever image to me that was needed to trap me.
I did not learn of this secret plan, and so called prophecy until after we were married. I had been lead to believe that the progression of our relationship was a natural phenomenon rather than a careful manipulation. Had I know, I truly believe my guard would have been up.
Never in my life have I been so fully deceived by anyone. I believed the “selfless angel of God” role that she was playing. I believed that she was kind, and generous, and loving, and selfless, and non-demanding, and quiet and gentle, gracious and forgiving. In fact, she was none of these things, and in many ways, the exact opposite. After we were married, she began to let her true self come out. A woman who is absolutely selfish, demanding, unkind, unforgiving, self-centered, hateful and deceitful. This woman so carefully, and intentionally deceived me from the very start, and then tried to force her wicked plans upon me – for more than 18 years. As the years rolled by and I stood on my faith and promise, refusing to waver in who I was from the beginning, her anger grew and grew, eventually into a loathing rage.
I was genuinely shocked by the woman she actually was. I had been very careful to reveal my true nature during our courtship. I attempted to reveal every known flaw I had. I was clear on the life of sacrifice and giving that I had committed before Christ to live. I was clear in telling her, that I would not expect any woman to marry a man so committed – yet she insisted I was for her.I was clear in revealing to her every anticipated hardship that could come from being with me. I hid nothing. Yet she did the opposite,. She hid every flaw, and the truth of her plotting and plans. She pretended to be whatever she thought I wanted. She was truly a chameleon who completely deceived me. She pretended to love the kids I had taken in, and the others in our ministry, though I would later find that she hated and despised them. She deceived me on every level possible in order to get that ring. And I was like a dumb ox, being led to the slaughter. I was ignorant, and blind.
Please do not misunderstand my intentions here. My purpose in writing this is not to cast her as being particularly evil above other women. Many of the things that Debra wanted during our marriage would have been quite reasonable for a woman to desire in another marriage. Although some of the things she did were cruel and heartless beyond measure, there were many things that could have been acceptable in another setting. I did love her, and in fact I still do. But what made her actions so evil is the conniving, self-serving, dishonest and deceitful motive of them from the start. I was never a man who would have been compatible with a woman like her – NEVER. I could never have been content living a life the way she wanted to live. And, it seems that she could never have been content living a life with someone who wanted to live as I did. But I was honest, and open, hiding nothing. I was so clear in being truthful about the life I am committed to live, that I pointed out things that I thought she might not have seen and made certain there was no possible misunderstanding. What makes her so evil, and irrefutably the villain in the story of our marriage, is the fact that she entered into it with deception and ill intent from the start. Not only did she deceive me intentionally on just about every level, but she did it with careful and intentional manipulation. She never had any intention of keeping her promises, and living the life she promised. She always intended to deceive me from the very start, to get the ring and then force her own way, her own will, and to utterly destroy everything else I had built. To take for herself all that is me. And this my friends, is evil to the core. Purely evil, there is no other way to describe it.
While so many people are able to communicate clearly and eloquently in a succinct and persuasive manner. I have never possessed that talent. I am a story teller. I best communicate by telling the story, with all its details, and allowing he facts of the matter to make the point. In this way, you the reader can decide who is right and who is wrong, what is good and what is bad. The facts speak for themselves, and those who take the time to read or hear the whole story will walk away with a fuller understanding of what happened and how. When people take the time to hear the story and learn the details, they usually agree with my position – and that my position is unselfish and right before God. Unfortunately we live in a world where people don’t often want to hear the whole story. People like the one liners, and form their opinions based on innuendo, and out of context short quotes. Debra is an excellent communicator in those settings, as are so many people in today’s culture. I am afraid I do not fair with one sentence explanations, or short summaries.
My prayer in writing this is that you will take the time to read these well documented stories and form an opinion based on fact not fantasy. On actual events, not out of context distortions of them.
My reason for writing is to protect the legacy of what has been my life. For all these 18 years of marriage, and the months since we separated, I have been mostly silent. I have not only kept my story to myself, but actually shielded her from a great deal. I have endured these things through our marriage so much that nearly everyone had an impression of her as loving the kids we took in, and enjoying the ministry were served. Almost no one knew of the daily war that we fought – just for the right to do what I promised from the beginning to do. I kept it to myself. When we separated, I did not believe these things should be on social ministry or otherwise public. Even as she did deceitful and evil things to make herself look good and slander my good name and character. I took it silently, believing that time and faithfulness would reveal who was Godly and who was not.
But recently, while I was in the hospital with I have learned of some significant health issues that have the potential to dramatically shorten my time here. At the same time, I am being told that she is “giving her tear filled testimony” in group meetings with homeless women, telling a distorted and dishonest version of twisted facts and outright lies. As I reflect on our lives together, and her pattern of distorting the truth, even eventually believing her own distortions I am concerned. I am concerned that should she be allowed to continue this charade unchallenged, and should my health deteriorate to the point I am no longer able to respond, or continue to live a life that refutes her, these blatant and horrible lies she is telling could become the accepted legacy of my life. She appears quite willing to condemn me so that she can be righteous, even if she has to do it with lies, distortions, and out of context twisting of truth.
I cannot believe that such would be an outcome which is pleasing to God. And so, I will write the whole story here – the good the bad and the ugly. I am far from perfect, and in fact, I am not the hero of this story. The only hero here is Jesus Christ, who has enabled me to come this far, and to stand and keep on standing.
Finally, I want to say of Jesus, that I could never blame Him for these terrible events. He is faithful, and wonderful, and kind, and true. I know that He has loved me and led me – but I have not always listened., As I look back our engagement, prior to marriage, there were a few events, only a few, which revealed her true character. There were a few moments in which the Lord allowed the veil to be pulled back, and the ugliness and selfishness of her spirit revealed. I should have RUN! I had every reason to know from those moments what the truth was, and who she really was. But then, she pulled the veil back up, and I wanted to believe her – so, I ignored the God given signs, and obvious truth and proceeded on. I had already given the ring, already sent the announcements – it was too late to change course then —- and so I proceeded, at my own peril. That was my foolishness, not God. He did allow me the opportunity to see — but I was blind.